Why can't I let go of who I think he could become?

Seeing possibility in people is not a flaw. Compassionate, visionary women often recognize gifts and goodness before others do. The danger begins when you use your hope to explain away a repeated lack of action.

Sometimes that possibility was part of the initial attraction: he looked good on paper. His career, ambition, personality, faith, family background, or stated goals appeared to align with what you wanted. But looking promising on paper is not the same as demonstrating the character, effort, and readiness required to build a healthy relationship.

You may be loving two people at once: the man standing in front of you and the man you believe he could become. If most of the relationship's value depends on the second man arriving someday, you are being asked to invest in a promise without reliable evidence.

Support is different from rescue. Support responds to someone who is already taking responsibility. Rescue repeatedly supplies the motivation, structure, money, emotional labor, or forgiveness required to keep his future alive.

"Actions over apologies" does not mean people cannot change. It means change becomes believable through consistent behavior over time.

You do not have to call him a bad person to admit that his current choices cannot sustain the relationship you need.